The Cranky Vampire and the Bumbling Fool
by burnkitty
Summary: Set around season 5 Halloween. Giles sends Spike and Xander to investigate an abandoned church with amusing consequences. Done for October 2008 nekid numbers. My prompts were: Xander, candle, abandoned church.


This fic is set Season 5 Halloween and I have no idea what to call it. Suggestions would be most welcome.

Spike hated when Giles did this to him. He knew how much he hated Xander, how he drove him up the wall by the simplest gesture of opening his mouth. It was Halloween, and Giles had insisted that they go do one more sweep before calling it a night. Even though it was an unspoken demon rule that Halloween was their day off. Giles was having none of it though.

Giles had claimed that he had news from a source that in an abandoned church across town, a group of demons were nesting. He wanted Spike to go check it out. Well, more like telling him to go and check it out. Buffy was refusing to leave the house after her last few experiences with Halloween.

Then, the stupid welp had picked a fight with him, on purpose in his opinion and because he had said one tiny little thing that upset him, Giles had forced him to take Xander. So here they were, standing in front of the abandoned church. None too happy about it either. Xander was a few feet behind him and Spike took the chance to try and sense anything. He sniffed the air, trying to pick up any scents with no avail.

"Hurry up Harris, by the time you get here, they'll be all gone." He was dragging his feet, almost tripping over a tree branch. Spike bit back a laugh.

"I'm coming, keep your pants on." Xander grumbled, shifting his pants up higher onto his hips.

"Like you could get them off in the first place." Spike grumbled. Giles had a sick sense of humour. He was never taking Xander anywhere ever again. It was worst then having hot pokers shoved though you.

"What you say?" Xander retorted, eyebrows raised expectantly. Spike sighed. He just wanted to get this over and done with.

"I said nuthin ok. I said nothing. Now can we please go in there and check it out." Spike scanned the area, looking for any clues that demons may have been there. He couldn't find anything. Nothing seemed out of place, not even a leaf. It was odd, but not unusual, they might be accessing the church though the sewers.

"Listen, I'm going inside to get a better look. Giles said I had to take you with me but he didn't say you had to be with me. So be a good little welp and stay out here till I'm done, ok?" Spike turned to the church, shuttering at the prospect of entering. Even after 100 years, they still spooked him.

"I am NOT staying out here Spike, you hear? There is no way." Xander's eyes blazed with anger and Spike hung his head, defeated. He knew if he didn't take him in, he would run back to Buffy and her watcher. He didn't fancy an arse kicking right now, even if it was with Buffy. He was trying to show that he was nice after all.

"Fine. But stay close. Don't want to be going back and tellin everyone you got yourself killed because you didn't do what I told ya alright?" Spike watched triumphantly as Xander gritted his teeth. Success at last. Spike turned his attention back to the task at hand, talking to himself more than Xander.

"There doesn't seem to be any sign of any demons being here. If there is anything it would be inside. There." Spike nodded his head towards the crumbling building before moving towards the broken door, which was only barely holding up on its rusty hinges. Looking up, Spike noticed the big cross above his head, taking a moment to think what would happen if it fell. It would burn like hell itself he imagined.

"You scared, Spikey-boy?" Spike gritted his teeth, biting back his reply, instead, pulling one of the old, worn door handles with one firm pull. They creaked with resistance, moaning with age.

"Ladies first." Spike motioned, stepping aside. Xander shot him a dirty look before stepping around him and into the abandoned building. Spike bit back a smile. This could actually be quite entertaining.

Spike walked in, the remains of what looked like a foyer lingered before him. Smashed holy books and forgotten booklets littered the floor, rotting bookshelves leaning into one another for support, fancy woven tapestries now full of holes and faded with age. He could see Xander ahead of him stepping into the chapel. A loud crash sounded, followed by Xander crying out. Any element of surprise they had was gone. Spike could see he had tripped over a small table, where a large urn would have once sat. It was now lying on its side, not far from Xander's body sprawled on the floor.

"Jesus Harris! Open your bloody eyes."

"I can't see a thing. It's dark in here." Xander whined. Spike rolled his eyes, looking around for something to help Xander see. He wasn't going to get anything done if he was running into everything in the dark. He spied a discarded alter candle lying on the floor and snatched it up. This should help the clumsy idiot see where he was going. Spike quickly fished out his zippo and flicked it open, the hot, orange flame dancing in front of their eyes. Once the candle was lit, Spike flicked the zippo closed, placing it back in his pocket. Xander stood, his eyes trained on the flickering flame.

"Here." Spike shoved the candle into Xander's hands before walking past him into the chapel, taken slightly aback by the ruined state it was in. The once neatly arranged benches where people sat were now up turned and smashed, a far cry from what they use to be. More books were sprayed across the floor, pages spilled, rotting in heaps on the floor. Still, Spike could find no sign of any demon gang ever being here. Not even one tiny wiff of even one demon. It was disappointing. He really wanted to hurt something.

Xander more out of curiosity then investigation or guts, stepped up to the crumbling preachers podium, examining a shelf of candles. Even though that dust covered them, you could see they were well used, melted wax had hardened and held them in place. Xander bowed his head, almost in prayer. Spike walked over a smashed piece of a bench, searching the room for something, anything that would explain why Giles thought there was a bunch of demons wanting to set up base there. There was nothing here. Spike looked up at the open rafters, almost hearing all the unanswered prayers echoing though the air. At that moment, Spike realised that someone might be having him on, like a certain little, blonde Slayer. Nothing had set foot in the church in years.

He just might get that fight after all.

"Oi, Welp. There's nothing here." Xander jumped, almost dropping the candle he held in his hand. The flame flickered madly as he tried to make sure he didn't slip from his grasp. He was scanning over the open book on the podium before Spike had interrupted him. Not that Spike cared. It was just a book.

"Don't call me that. And what do you mean there's nothing here?"

"I mean there is nothing here you idiot. Now let's go, I got things to do."

"Pfft, like what? Sniffing Buffy's clothes?" Spike growled, warning the fragile human before him not to push it any further. Being the stupid person he was though, Xander couldn't help himself but have another swipe at the vampire.

"Ooo, cat got your tongue there Spikey?" Xander didn't see the broken bench come flying towards him, the large shard of wood only narrowing missing his head. The candle extinguished, leaving them in the dark once more as the broken bench shattered on the wall behind Xander.

"Next time, I won't miss Harris." His voice was barely above a whisper but Xander heard him loud and clear.

Why he had agreed to come out with Spike by himself, he had no idea. He knew Buffy had talked him into it though, with her eyelash batting and small, flirtatious smiles, saying that Spike needed someone make to confine in, talk to. Like Spike was going to confine in him or even talk to him. It had been a complete waste of time, like he knew it would be.

"Let's get back to HQ. We need to report back." Xander didn't say a word, only followed Spike out the abandoned church the best he could without tripping over every damn thing in between him and the door. He could hear Spike laughing at him, but he was determined not to ask him for help. He had pride after all.

He knew there was a reason why he hated Halloween. Something shitty happened every year and this year had been no different.


End file.
